Courage is not the absence of fear

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”

                                                                                                                   -Franklin D. Roosevelt

Over four months have passed since I began writing and talking about my mental health condition opening. Still, fear creeps in every day, haunting me. Mostly, I’m fearful about how my decision will affect those I love the most: my child and my husband.

Will my child be one day taunted on the playground for having a ‘psycho’ mother? Am I arming his bullies with all the ammunition they would need before my child has even started primary school?

Will my advocacy work to destigmatize mental illness prevent me from the type of employment I could so easily access in the past? Did I cross a point of no return and selfishly put our retirement goals out of reach?

Change requires courage. Courage is not the absence of fear.

I have fear. Droves of it. Fear that fills up my head, paralyzes my body, engulfs my bed and dispells sleep. But each morning I am inspired by a mission more important than fear:

Because I want my child to grow up in a world with more compassion and less stigma and discrimination.

Because I want my child’s teenage years to not be ruled by fear and anxiety.

Because I want the teen suicide rates to stop growing at an alarming rate with no end in sight.

Because I want others like me to thrive.

Because I want no one to suffer in silence.

Since coming out with my bipolar diagnosis and my stories have been published, I have heard from many who are exactly the people I hoped to reach. One that moved me to tears was a twenty-something Korean American artist/writer whose parents to this day tell her she’s merely being dramatic, denying the validity of her bipolar I diagnosis and multiple hospitalizations.

From your emails, tweets and messages, you’ve shared with me how your lives mirror my own. I am humbled by your encouragement that my mission is being accomplished – my hope has reached you.

Thank you for helping me triumph over fear.

Thank you for marching beside me.

“…courage [is] not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.”

-Nelson Mandela

Photo by Edu Lauton on Unsplash