A friendship lost

A few years ago, I lost one of my best friends.

C* and I met in grad school and we were inseparable. When my ex cheated on me and I broke it off with him, she picked me up off the floor. When she and her boyfriend ended things, she was inconsolable. She moved in with me until she found her own place.  I made sure she ate and was there for her the same way she was for me during my heartbreak.

C was by my side as a bridesmaid when I got married. She was the gracious host of my baby shower. Then my pregnancy, though closely monitored by a team of medical specialists, went awry. I had been tapered off of my medication before the pregnancy to protect the baby. But around 38 weeks in, I was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t sleep, it was like I fell off of a cliff.

Over a decade of stability on my medication had given me a false sense of security. I thought I could identify the signs if I felt an episode coming on and be able to signal the alarms in time to get help. I was wrong. Without being on meds, I had no grace period. I fell off the deep end and found myself in the worst manic episode with psychosis I’d ever experienced.

I was hospitalized and my poor husband was worried sick and terrified, never having seen me like this. C was with us through it all, even visiting me in the psych ward before the baby was born.

After the baby came, we saw each other less and less, even after my life stabilized and I went back to work. I missed her so much, but she canceled or postponed each of my attempts for us to get together. I even made sure I could hang out without the baby with her so I could be fully present, but it didn’t make a difference.  Exhausted from always being the one to reach out with no success, I decided to wait for her to reach out to me.

I never imagined that it would take a year for me to hear from her. We went from talking almost daily, to maybe weekly, to semi-regularly, to no communication for a year when I wasn’t the instigator.  She essentially ghosted me.  Over seven years of friendship and I was ghosted.

I started and stopped numerous emails and texts to C during this year. I deleted every one without sending.  I was determined to give her some space. She saw me at my lowest, during my hospital stay, now that I was better, why did I lose her?

She did eventually contact me a year later and acted as if nothing happened. At this point, I bared my soul. Telling her her how hurt I was that I had been brushed off and asking why. She never gave me a real answer.

I genuinely wished her a happy life and we have not spoken since.

I loved this friend, she is a kind, wonderful, intelligent, and hilarious person. I loved having her in my life and was so proud to call her friend. I miss her to this day but I also know when to let someone go. And this friendship died when she couldn’t be honest with me.

It’s a lot to see a friend be hospitalized in a psych ward while about to pop out a baby. I get that. I will forever be grateful for her for being there for us then. No matter what happened after, seven years of beautiful friendship is a true gift.

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*C is not her real initial.